"My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good." —@spacej_me

"When Trump appears on my TV, my dog gets up, gives me a dirty look, and leaves the room in disgust. Dogs know."

And you definitely do them too.

Don't forget about number one: "I'm sorry you feel that way." 🙄

"my favorite part of fall is when the mosquitoes go back to hell"

"28 YEARS IN THE MAKING... THE NEW YORK LIBERTY ARE WNBA CHAMPIONS!"

I really, really need to know what that DoorDash driver sent.

I'm going to tell my grandchildren that this is the Hamburglar.

Far be it from me to call anyone weird, but...these people are weird.

"Whenever someone hops on a Zoom meeting and is like, 'Sorry, I look like such a mess, haven’t had my coffee!' or like, 'Please excuse the lighting!' It’s like...babe...I’m physically incapable of not staring at my own reflection for this entire meeting. You don’t even exist to me."

"The 30 mins I allow myself to read books before going to sleep each night are the best 4 hours of the day." —@CaffeinatedLiha

"I could never be a 911 operator. Whenever someone would call I’d be like OMG"

"Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work"