Donald Trump is heading back to the White House — and Kamala Harris’ own decisions are to blame

Prez is try-umphant again

Donald. He was voted for president three times. And a blessing on his head — mazel tov, mazel tov.

Chicken George Washington only did it once — April 30, 1789.

Election Day, on the phone, early in the day, Donald asked, “What do you think?” I said, “You’ll win but the margins are slim.”

Steve Bannon, days out of prison, knew early that day. He told his 100 invitees crammed into the eighth floor of the Willard Hotel in DC that: “We got it. We got it. Won’t be a squeaker. We got it.”

And Kamala? Her first official initial primary decision was to pick that lumpy bumpy VP shlump. And my first official request is for her to check that charmer she married. Since she’ll soon be unemployed he might slap her cheek.

America’s second president? John Quincy Adams. Graduate of Harvard — now a classroom of hate and antisemitism. What he did to upgrade civilization, who knows. I do know, however, he swam naked in the Potomac every morning.

Andrew Jackson. Got himself immortalized on our $20 bill. Sounds like something Donald might do.

James Madison’s missus was the very busy Dolley Madison. When the Brits invaded DC, Dolley managed to save the Declaration of Independence. Plus she glommed onto a few pieces of jewelry. Smart. Dolley was a dilly. In the immortal words of Chaucer, what good’s a skinny necklace without a fat bracelet.

Martin Van Buren, first chief of state to be born an American citizen. Also a lawyer. Him Donald could’ve used.

Ulysses S. Grant. Republican. Who cares what he did. He should’ve changed that name. Who sticks a baby with the name Ulysses? After him came Rutherford Hayes. Who sticks a baby with the name Rutherford? Two more and then came Grover Cleveland. Grover fathered an illegitimate child. I guess we then learned exactly what he did with his grover.

Mary Todd Lincoln is currently being immortalized on Broadway in “Oh, Mary!” by comedian Cole Escola as a little bit of a drunk, a player, a swinger, an extrovert and someone who’d have done it with Grover if she could.

It’s a moving ‘Mountain’

Comes now a nonpresident named Sylvester Stallone who’s played Rambo, now producing in the wilderness. It’s about a kid lost in the woods. It’s dangers, fears, about not giving in to the elements. About being lost. It’s called “Lost on a Mountain in Maine.” Perfect for Kamala.

So, if you’re into losers, comes some Sally Kirkland newie. She says: “1988, I was nominated for Best Actress Oscar. Since then I’ve become completely erased. I don’t know where I belong anymore.” (Like Chuck Schumer.) The thing co-stars Jennifer Tilly, Eric Roberts, Keith Carradine. I don’t know its name. Let her go to see it with Kamala.

Sounds of science

From Ellen Easton who does “Tea Travels.” If we’re talking presidents, let’s talk Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: “It’s brain worm, anti-vaccination and roadkill in his fridge to eat. He’s chopped the head off a whale, driven a dead bear cub and left it in Central Park, an ex-heroin addict and a serial cheater.

“Is Donald turning over health care to him?! The medical community and Olivia Nuzzi must stop this.”

OK — so call Olivia — not me.

After staying up all night I’m going to sleep.