People Are Sharing The Funniest Jokes They've Ever Heard In Their Lives, And Yeah, These Are Pretty Damn Funny
by Mike Spohr · BuzzFeedWho doesn't love a good joke? (I mean other than my humorless neighbor Vern who thinks the plants in my front yard are too "flashy" for our neighborhood. God, I hate Vern.)
The good news is there aren't many Verns in the world, and people from Quora, Reddit, and our own BuzzFeed Community have been sharing the jokes they say are the funniest they've ever heard. Since we all deserve a laugh (especially me who has to deal with Vern), I've rounded up some of the best! Check 'em out:
1. "A guy dies and, having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell. The devil greets him and explains that he'll have to pick from one of three rooms to spend eternity in. So, the guy looks into the first room and sees anguished people shrieking in horror as they burn in a massive fire."
"He quickly shuts the door to the first room and opens the door to the second room...where panicked people are being violently torn to shreds by a giant, raging gorilla. The guy quickly shuts that door, too."
"He then moves on to the third room where people sit in vats of shit up to their necks...but also drink coffee. Hmmmm, the guy thinks. Sitting in shit all day doesn't sound great, but it sure beats the eternal hellfire and raging gorilla! Plus, there's coffee! So, he tells the devil he'll take room number three. A supervisor comes over, helps him into his own vat, and hands him a cup of coffee."
"Not bad! he thinks as he drinks the coffee. For hell, this is not bad at all!
Just then the supervisor blows a whistle and says, 'OK, everyone. Break's over. Back on your heads!'"
—Mike Spohr
2. "A woman dressed up as a policewoman, then surprised her boyfriend in their bedroom and told him he's under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed."
"After two minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."
3. "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'Hey, I'll bet you a free beer that you can't guess what's in my pocket.' The bartender accepts and guesses a wallet. The man says, 'No, it's a 10-inch pianist.' He sets the pianist on the table and the tiny man plays a beautiful melody."
The bartender says, 'Well, that's pretty cool.' The guy agrees and says, 'You give me another beer, and I'll let the wizard in my other pocket grant you a wish.' The bartender agrees happily and says, 'I want a million bucks!' Just then the bar fills with a million ducks."
"The bartender is very unhappy and begins to insult the man. The man says, 'What, you think I wanted a 10-inch pianist?'"
4. "Dave was boasting to his co-worker one day, saying, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone. Anyone! And I know them.' Tired of his bragging, his co-worker called his bluff, saying, 'OK, Dave, how about Keanu Reeves?' 'Yep,' Dave says. 'Keanu and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' The next day, Dave and his co-worker fly to Hollywood and go to Keanu Reeves's door; Keanu comes out and shouts: 'Dave! Sup man? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'"
"Although impressed, Dave's co-worker is still skeptical. After they leave Keanu's house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Keanu was just lucky. 'Name anyone else then," Dave says, "and I'll prove it again,' 'Fine,' his co-worker says. 'President Biden.' 'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,' and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and waves him and his co-worker over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first to catch up.' Well, the co-worker is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced."
"After they leave the White House, the co-worker expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. 'Pope Francis,' his co-worker replies. 'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome, where Dave and his co-worker stand with the assembled masses at the Vatican, looking up at the Pope on the balcony. 'If you're really friends with the Pope,' the co-worker says, why are we out here with everyone else?' Dave says, 'If I could catch his eye, he'd bring us up, but there's just too many people.' The co-worker snorts, feeling vindicated, and says, 'Sure.' Then, in order to REALLY prove Dave wrong, he sneaks into the Vatican and onto the balcony, where he asks the Pope, 'Do you know the guy 26 rows back and 19 in from the right?'"
After counting back and across, the Pope turns to the co-worker and says, 'You mean the guy next to Dave?"
5. "Two old ladies are standing together, smoking. It begins to rain, so one old lady pulls out a condom, snips off the tip, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp."
"The other old lady thinks this is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week."
"Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, 'Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please.' The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, 'Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before.'"
"'So,' the young man asks, 'What size do you need?'
The old woman thinks for a moment, then replies, 'I need one that will fit a camel.'”
6. "A man with a pet duck walks into a movie theatre. As pets are not allowed in the theatre, he stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. When the man takes his seat and the lights dim, he unzips his fly to let the duck have some air."
"A woman sitting beside him sees him unzip his fly and something pop out. Shocked, she nudges her husband and whispers, 'Tom, the man beside me just unzipped his fly and got his organ out!' Her husband casually replies: 'Just ignore him.'"
After about ten minutes, the woman again nudges her husband and frantically whispers, 'Tom, Tom … the man's organ..."
Tom, now irritated, snaps, 'I told you to ignore it.'"
The woman replies, 'I CAN'T! IT'S EATING MY POPCORN!'"
—anonymous
7. "A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.' The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the man who left shows back up, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, 'Is your bet still good?'"
"The Texan says 'yes' and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into the 10 pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.'"
"The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, 'Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'"
8. "An old man and old woman are sitting on a bus bench. The old man, who's a bit randy, asks the old woman, 'How do you like sex?' She replies, 'Infrequently.'"
"The old man asks, 'Is that one word or two?'"
—anonymous
9. "A couple of whales are swimming off the coast when they notice a whaling ship. The first whale recognizes it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier."
The first whale says to the second, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink!" They try it, and sure enough, the ship turns over and starts to sink. Soon, however, the ship's sailors jump overboard and swim toward the safety of shore. The first whale is enraged that the sailors might get away, so he tells the second whale, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, though, the second whale is reluctant to follow."
'Look,' the second whale says, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'"
10. "Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome."
"One nun looks over at the other and says, 'You know, I’ve never come this way before.' The other nun replies, 'Must be the cobblestones.'”
11. "A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word 'definitely.' To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence."
"A student in the front raises her hand and says, 'The sky is definitely blue.'"
"The teacher says, 'Well, that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.'"
"Another student says, 'Grass is definitely green.'"
"The teacher again replies, 'If grass doesn't get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.'"
"Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher, 'Do farts have lumps?'"
"The teacher looks at Billy and says, 'That isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion, but...no.'
Billy replies, 'Then I definitely just shit my pants.'"
—Shivam Singh, Quora