‘I wish my friend hadn't told me her secret – I think what she's doing is awful’

Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who feels stuck in the middle after an old mate made a shocking confession

Dear Coleen

I feel stuck in the middle of an awful situation with my best friend and simply don’t know what to do about it.

She’s married with two young children and is having an affair with the husband of another mutual friend. To say it’s a mess is an understatement.

She told me about the affair in confidence and said she knew she was burdening me with this information, but had no one else to talk to about it.

Her marriage has been going downhill for a couple of years – I think she and her husband struggled with becoming parents, as they used to be real party people – and she says this other guy makes her happy.

The guy in question also has a son with his wife.

I understand how she got to this point but I think what she’s doing is awful and will cause so much heartache and drama if either of their partners find out.

I don’t really want to be part of this and it’s changed how I see my friend. We’ve known each other for many years and I never thought she’d do ­something like this, however desperate the situation was.

She doesn’t know where things are headed with this man and I want to stay out of it. What should I say to her?

Coleen says

I’d be honest with her and say you’re uncomfortable with what she’s doing, that you don’t like knowing about it and you don’t want to be in the middle.

You can be empathetic as far as her marriage goes. If she’s unhappy with her husband, that’s life and it happens, so suggest she talks to her husband and tries therapy.

Has she considered if she leaves her husband, the other guy might panic and stay with his wife? If your friend doesn’t want her marriage to end, then she has to start making an effort to get it back on track.

I sometimes think friends tell us these things to unburden themselves of guilt. Maybe she was hoping you’d tell her she isn’t an awful person or give her some kind of encouragement to leave her hubby and run off with this guy.

But this is a tricky situation for you, as you know everyone involved. If I were you, I would back away.

I had really good friends, who stopped coming over when my partner had an affair and it was probably the first major clue for me that something was wrong.

When it was out in the open, those friends said they couldn’t come over and watch me making Sunday dinner for him because they didn’t want to be part of the betrayal, but didn’t want to tell me either and be responsible for causing chaos. I understood. It’s a horrible situation for friends.

Be clear with her that while you don’t want to lose her friendship, you don’t want to be any more involved in this situation. First and foremost, she needs to make a decision about the future of her marriage.